So I just wrote about breaking through a fear. Writing about breaking through a fear provoked more fear! I woke up this morning thinking I shouldn't have written about my experience. So rather than do what the old, desperate to stay hidden me would do, I'm going to walk right on through it and keep the post up. In fact, some how I even have it set up to automatically share to my Facebook. So OH MY GOD all my friends can even see what I've been up to. (Even as I type that I can feel the look of panic on my face!)
God, give me the strength to not give up on my self. To keep fighting to let go of that smaller version of myself that I've offered to the world all these years so I can be the bigger, in full color, amazing person I know you created me to be...profanity and all.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Seriously? A "2 Live Crew" Song Just Changed My Life???
Yeah I know it's been awhile, too long in fact, since I last blogged. So here I go with a new post!
I honestly did not know what to call this post, so I'll just jump right in and explain what the hell it means :D
Three weeks ago I went out with a group of friends from my spiritual center. A couple of us had been wanting to get together to sing karaoke for quite some time and that night we had an event at the Center where going out afterward just seemed to make sense, so we went for it. My friends are amazing people, spiritually open and they both have an amazing sense of humor. It felt like I laughed non-stop the entire time we were at the bar. I know this wasn't literally true, because I had to breathe obviously and I also sang a few songs, so I wasn't laughing the entire time but it's f'in awesome that I remember it that way! When I sang my first song, I felt my hands shaking and hoped it didn't come through in my voice, I was so nervous singing for friends that hadn't heard me sing before. But by the end of the night there was ZERO fear in me, as I will explain.
When I was looking through the book of karaoke songs, I saw on the first page that they offered 3 old school 2 Live Crew songs, including the classic (well, classic in some circles) "Me So Horny." I pointed this out to my friends, I was kind of in disbelief that they were listed there - some bars won't let you sing anything explicit...Lincoln Depot is not one of those bars! So there we are laughing and singing, having a great time and my brother, who was also along, decided to put my name on a karaoke slip for "Me So Horny" and to this day I have no idea why I agreed to sing it, I just know that I did and it was EXHILERATING!!! It was like I was someone else. I'm the first to admit that my performances are usually pretty wooden, I've always been so focused on how I sound that I'm afraid to put my attention on interacting with the crowd or worried I'll say something dumb, whatever, so I usually just stand there and concentrate on singing well. When the music started, I walked over to where my friends were sitting and as soon as the first set of really filthy lyrics popped up, in my head I was thinking "well don't just stop!" and I pushed through the fear of saying - well, singing rather - such dirty things and I just did it. And not only did I do it, I was interacting with the crowd, too! I know I was feeding off of the energy around me that was joyful and supportive. I felt such an amazing rush! I finished the song, even though I kept cracking up through it, and I threw my hands in the air in a victorious "ROCK ON" pose when I was done. People were high 5'ing me and cheering and I couldn't believe what I had just done!
As I explained to my friends, I had just smashed through my comfort zone. I would drive home that night and barely sleep, the excitement buzzed through my mind all night long and wouldn't let me settle down too deeply. The next day, I realized where I had felt that feeling before, or at least where I had seen it before. 4 years ago, Dan and I had gone to an event called Harmonic Wealth Weekend, where we had broken boards with our bare hands. When people smashed through their boards, which represented their limiting beliefs, I watched as women lept into people's arms with joy and men caught them, just as joyful themselves. I don't remember being quite so exhilerated when I broke my board. Close, but I don't remember leaping into Dan's arms. But that was it. That is what I felt that night. Total. Exhuberant. Joy. Joy for having shattered something that normally would terrify me and that I sang things I never even say! And the awesome thing about this is, once you've shattered it, that fear is gone. I just took a giant leap out of my comfort zone, broke through a fear that was limiting me, and sang one of the most sexually explicit songs known to man...I know this is a huge victory for the me that's been hiding all these years. So yes - seriously - my life has been changed by singing a 2 Live Crew song!
I honestly did not know what to call this post, so I'll just jump right in and explain what the hell it means :D
Three weeks ago I went out with a group of friends from my spiritual center. A couple of us had been wanting to get together to sing karaoke for quite some time and that night we had an event at the Center where going out afterward just seemed to make sense, so we went for it. My friends are amazing people, spiritually open and they both have an amazing sense of humor. It felt like I laughed non-stop the entire time we were at the bar. I know this wasn't literally true, because I had to breathe obviously and I also sang a few songs, so I wasn't laughing the entire time but it's f'in awesome that I remember it that way! When I sang my first song, I felt my hands shaking and hoped it didn't come through in my voice, I was so nervous singing for friends that hadn't heard me sing before. But by the end of the night there was ZERO fear in me, as I will explain.
When I was looking through the book of karaoke songs, I saw on the first page that they offered 3 old school 2 Live Crew songs, including the classic (well, classic in some circles) "Me So Horny." I pointed this out to my friends, I was kind of in disbelief that they were listed there - some bars won't let you sing anything explicit...Lincoln Depot is not one of those bars! So there we are laughing and singing, having a great time and my brother, who was also along, decided to put my name on a karaoke slip for "Me So Horny" and to this day I have no idea why I agreed to sing it, I just know that I did and it was EXHILERATING!!! It was like I was someone else. I'm the first to admit that my performances are usually pretty wooden, I've always been so focused on how I sound that I'm afraid to put my attention on interacting with the crowd or worried I'll say something dumb, whatever, so I usually just stand there and concentrate on singing well. When the music started, I walked over to where my friends were sitting and as soon as the first set of really filthy lyrics popped up, in my head I was thinking "well don't just stop!" and I pushed through the fear of saying - well, singing rather - such dirty things and I just did it. And not only did I do it, I was interacting with the crowd, too! I know I was feeding off of the energy around me that was joyful and supportive. I felt such an amazing rush! I finished the song, even though I kept cracking up through it, and I threw my hands in the air in a victorious "ROCK ON" pose when I was done. People were high 5'ing me and cheering and I couldn't believe what I had just done!
As I explained to my friends, I had just smashed through my comfort zone. I would drive home that night and barely sleep, the excitement buzzed through my mind all night long and wouldn't let me settle down too deeply. The next day, I realized where I had felt that feeling before, or at least where I had seen it before. 4 years ago, Dan and I had gone to an event called Harmonic Wealth Weekend, where we had broken boards with our bare hands. When people smashed through their boards, which represented their limiting beliefs, I watched as women lept into people's arms with joy and men caught them, just as joyful themselves. I don't remember being quite so exhilerated when I broke my board. Close, but I don't remember leaping into Dan's arms. But that was it. That is what I felt that night. Total. Exhuberant. Joy. Joy for having shattered something that normally would terrify me and that I sang things I never even say! And the awesome thing about this is, once you've shattered it, that fear is gone. I just took a giant leap out of my comfort zone, broke through a fear that was limiting me, and sang one of the most sexually explicit songs known to man...I know this is a huge victory for the me that's been hiding all these years. So yes - seriously - my life has been changed by singing a 2 Live Crew song!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
So ya wanna be a pole dancer?
So this is the first "Mind Movie" aka video vision board I've created for my health and weight loss goals. It took me a few weeks of sifting through pictures in Google Image Search, coming up with exactly what I wanted represented, and of course picking the right song. There were so many great songs and ideas I wanted represented in the video! But I had to pick one and had to limit the images and affirmations to what would fit in roughly 3 minutes and 30 seconds...I went slightly over the length of the song with the credits at the end, but that was necessary. I thought I had the project completed like 3 or 4 times before spotting a spelling error here or a hard to read font color there. On the final edit, I felt the need to add a "disclaimer" of sorts about wanting to look sexy. The images of the Pole Fitness classes and the desire to have a nice ass made me feel it was necessary to explain/justify (?) that! I've come to the conclusion that my weight has been, in large part, an effort to hide my sexuality. The reasons for which are complicated and for another post.
Interestingly, the mental anguish of realizing I had this need to explain my desire to look sexy to friends and total strangers that might watch my video - since I had already made the decision to share this journey publicly! - made me want to run straight to my fridge! Go figure right! I didn't move though, I sat there before my computer screen and sat with the discomfort - of wanting to look sexy, of saying as much to people viewing the video, of being ok with that for the first time in a very long time - and I found an image of toes peeking out from underneath a curtain and decided to add "I am ready to stop hiding and start living." For half of my life now, I have been hiding under a whole 'nother person!! Literally, and figuratively, another person. One of the reasons I am going public with this tale is because I feel like I have to in order to really heal that part of me that has insisted on hiding for so long.
So yeah, this is my video. I plan on doing more, for other areas of my life and then maybe one condensed one representing the whole picture. I've started pulling some REALLY fun pics for a financial vision - it's going to be great. I started my "official" YouTube channel for this blog yesterday, too. Hopefully I'll get more readers and viewers. Like I said, I know there are alot of people with the same stuff going on as I have. I hope we can all connect and decide to thrive. Together. Together is good.
And no. I do not want to be a pole dancer...well not for anyone other than me and my man. ;)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A Fresh Start!
Sure New Year's Day was 81 days ago, but each day is a new day with the exact same opportunity to change or to start again. Today, I've decided to start over with this blog. When I initially set this blog up, it was going to be more about my new found political activism. Well it turns out that was rather short lived as I realized it makes more sense to me to change my self than to try and change others - especially on a state, national, or global level. So I'm refocusing much, much smaller in. Life is lived inside out. I start with what's inside my own heart and mind, I then work outward to my body, my career, my home, my family. That extends to my interactions with my community and that's about all the further I care to focus on anymore. It's all important, but if I want to be effective in being the change I wish to see, all I can really do is be it. Someone posted a saying on Facebook that really struck me and has stuck with me - "Lighthouses do not need to fire cannons to draw attention to their shining, they just shine."
With that in mind, I put my activist cannons away. I don't need to convince anyone to change. Not with me and not even for me. I'll change how I want and need to change. If it inspires others, great! If not, at least I know I've done what I need to do. There are other reasons why I let political activism go that I will explain later, but for now I just want to share my enthusiasm for my newest adventure - weight loss! I am working with Marianne Williamson's latest book "A Course in Weight Loss" and I'm very excited about what I hope will be a whole new chapter of my life. I've been heavy for about 15/16 years now and I've always been unhappy about it and it's just time to make this change. I'm at my highest weight ever right now and I've reached the point where I feel like if I don't turn back now there will be no turning back. I feel that if I don't start slimming back down now, I may as well give up my dream of ever being thin again - and at this point, thin isn't even the real goal, simply moving back down the scale is. So, this new blogging adventure is going to be much more personal and intimate than I thought, which is a scary prospect to be honest, but it's a story I want to share because I know so many other people are going through what I am. So many people have lost their home like I did. So many people are struggling financially like I still do. So many people are facing health challenges or unwanted weight like I am. If I can inspire or give hope to people just like me by merely sharing my own journey I feel like I should do that. I hope I'll get some readers. I hope I can continue to have the courage to speak up (blog) out loud and I hope this fresh start leads me (and anyone else that needs it) to a life infinitely more awesome than what we can now imagine!
Thanks for being here. :)
With that in mind, I put my activist cannons away. I don't need to convince anyone to change. Not with me and not even for me. I'll change how I want and need to change. If it inspires others, great! If not, at least I know I've done what I need to do. There are other reasons why I let political activism go that I will explain later, but for now I just want to share my enthusiasm for my newest adventure - weight loss! I am working with Marianne Williamson's latest book "A Course in Weight Loss" and I'm very excited about what I hope will be a whole new chapter of my life. I've been heavy for about 15/16 years now and I've always been unhappy about it and it's just time to make this change. I'm at my highest weight ever right now and I've reached the point where I feel like if I don't turn back now there will be no turning back. I feel that if I don't start slimming back down now, I may as well give up my dream of ever being thin again - and at this point, thin isn't even the real goal, simply moving back down the scale is. So, this new blogging adventure is going to be much more personal and intimate than I thought, which is a scary prospect to be honest, but it's a story I want to share because I know so many other people are going through what I am. So many people have lost their home like I did. So many people are struggling financially like I still do. So many people are facing health challenges or unwanted weight like I am. If I can inspire or give hope to people just like me by merely sharing my own journey I feel like I should do that. I hope I'll get some readers. I hope I can continue to have the courage to speak up (blog) out loud and I hope this fresh start leads me (and anyone else that needs it) to a life infinitely more awesome than what we can now imagine!
Thanks for being here. :)
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